Non Sum Qualis Eram

Lucky

2012-01-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

She has been ill and warded in the medical ward for nearly a month now. Bedridden and unable to care for herself.

I saw her husband at the hospital everyday bringing her supply like home-cooked meal, clothing even diapers.

She is lucky to have him around.

11:11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.004+08:00

Yes.

The number is here.

Tell me what happen today.

Is it as beautiful as we once thought it could be?

The number is as significant as you are.

You make the meaning out of it.

Yes dear, you know who you are.

(This blog is no longer active: however I have prepared a list of new entry that will be published coming 15th January every year)

THE END

2010-12-12T23:57:00.004+08:00

I cannot conjure any more emotions from inside me to continue writing in this blog.

Too many memories lingering around it dating from its early conception, that evokes a mixed emotions of happiness and sadness.

The only right thing to do now is to lay it to rest.

Thank you to all of you fine people who have given valuable feedbacks and advices throughout my good and dark times. From the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it.

Final words,

Not everything is meant to have a happy ending.

Especially a fairytale of a beautiful princess, a green smelly ogre and a pink panda.

THE END

3/1/09 - 12/12/10

****

A Good bye

2010-11-29T02:53:00.002+08:00

Chasing Pavements is the first song she ever gave me, that was 2 years ago. She asked me what I thought it meant. My reply was hasty and all wrong in retrospective. I told her it is a love song. Perhaps because it reflected on how I felt. I was infatuated head over feet.

Tonight after browsing wikipedia, I finally knew what the song really meant and the storyline behind the video clip. Interesting I thought.

During the long night drive back from my hometown tonight. I heard again Chasing Pavements along with other songs that we shared during the first year of our friendship.

It made me realise about something.

I realise that I am still missing that special person I once knew.

Once upon a time, she inspired a lot of things in me. How her smile made my day and made me through any given weekdays. That includes creating this new blog, which at that time symbolised a new chapter in my journey. Those were the best times of my life.

Although she is still around. But deep inside I know she is no longer the same person I met at the bus stop in Baker Street. Her eyes have stop gleaming the way they used to when we first met.

Tonight, I finally realise that I haven't got the chance to grieve when she left.

I felt the need to express some kind of farewell to that special person here in my thought, in this special place.

The final closure.

It ends just like the way it began. With the very same beautiful song.

It sounds just as mesmerising as the first time I heard it.

Goodbye my sunshine.

As if you have a choice

2010-11-27T01:40:00.004+08:00

I have been a thinking a lot lately.

Including closing this blog for good.

It has a fine and fair share of my life these past 2 years.

What it needs now is a closure.

I bet everyone needs that.

In the end

2010-11-23T00:00:00.001+08:00

The past is there for a reason.

Don't look back at it in anger.

Treasure the past as it has made you the person you are today.

As everything happens for a reason.

Experience is what you get, if you did not get what you want.

Remember, God has better things for you.

Always have faith in Him.

My eyes are wide open.

My lips are partly open.

As I inhaled deeply.

I feel peace with myself.

It is the best feeling in this whole wide world.

I am no longer worry about the future.

The sum of your life

2010-11-20T06:57:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking. Tomorrow it will be twenty-eight years to the day that I've been in the service, twenty-eight years in peace and war. I don't suppose I've been at home more than ten months in all that time. Still, it's been a good life. I loved India. I wouldn't have had it any other way. But there are times when suddenly you realize you're nearer the end than the beginning...

... And you wonder, you ask yourself, what the sum total of your life represents. What difference your being there at any time made to anything.

I don't know whether that kind of thinking's very healthy, but I must admit I've had some thoughts on those lines from time to time.

-- Col. Nicholson

The Bridge on the River Kwai

****

That classic movie scene has made me thinking...

Have my existence in this world bring any positive difference to the lives of people around me?

Have I been a good man?

I'm in love (again)

2010-11-15T20:25:00.005+08:00

I love Monday morning.

The smell of freshly brewed black coffee at the nurses counter.

The yelling and shouting of few delirious elderly patients with pneumonia.

The sight of new drug overdosed young patients with charcoal-stained ryles tube stucked up their nose and hanged near the greater curvature of their stomach.

The chaotic scene of running housemen taking up blood and filling in radiology forms.

The nebulous yet sweet scent of ulcerating diabetic foot ulcers from bed 1 to the unmistakable malaenic odour in the last bed at the end of the ward.

How can one not love Monday!

3am... somewhere in KL

2010-11-05T18:40:00.001+08:00

BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !

What aa... what's dat?

Silent.

Darkness.

BEEP! BEEP! That sound again....
whadda .. where am I .... oh it's the damn pager

I stared at the screen ... #3652

Reaching in the dark I almost knocked the phone over. Bugger.

"Yaa, who's thiiiss..? " My half asleep voice was hoarse due to a gallon of Malibu dream earlier.

"Hey u gotta come to ER stat! I got a guy here who drowned himself by drinking too much water, and i can't intubate him " a desperate female voice echoed on the other line.

I recognized the voice, it belongs to Linda, one of my close buddy in the emergency room whom I got a short fling with many years ago. Sounds like she got herself in a shitty position, and unless u're in an ER's toilet, that's never a good thing.

"Gimme 2 sec, I'll be there, remember whatever u do make sure u can ventilate him" I reminded her what she already knew.

A 300m dashed to the ER at 3am is never recognised as an extreme sport, but 2 shakes of a lamb's tail later I arrived at the crime scene and only to find it as bloody as hell.

"The tube just won't go in" Linda's voice shaken, I sensed the agony and frustration reflected in her light brown eyes.

BP 75/40....Pulse rate 30/min ! - someone yelled in the background.

"Start chest compression. 1 mg adrenaline & 1 mg atropine IV bolus" my voice widely awaken now while positioning myself near the patient's head relieving Linda.

I snapped the laryngoscope's blade open and shoved it down into the man's throat, hunting for his vocal cord - but the view was obscured by his own frothy tracheal secretion.

"Suctionnn pleasse"

PSSRRRRFTTTTTTT !!! The yonker suction made a screaming noise while suctioning a 1/4 litre of secretion resulting in a clear view of Mr Vocal cord.

Thank God it's a Cormack Lehane I and with a bit of magic from cricoid pressure that Linda gave.. steady steady... my right hand maneuvered the ETT tube and gently tuck it home beyond the cord.

"He's in V. tachy... no pulse" She yellled.

I grabbed the defib paddle, charged it to 200 Joule... "CHARGEED! CLEAR !"

*ZAPPPPP!!!* -- no response --

CPR continued with multiple boluses of adrenaline.

"He's in V. Fib".

"CHARGED! CLEAR !"

-- no response --

"Agaiin!" No movement.

Flatline.

It's been over an hour since we started work on him. His pupils were fixed and dilated, no spontaneous breathing, BP was unrecordable.

Pulseless.

We decided to call it.

"Time of death 0414"

Linda broke the bad news to the family.
Silent. Followed by anguished cries from his loved ones.

Apparently, this 30y old guy overdosed himself with illegal drugs 3 weeks ago resulted in liver and kidney failure. He was treated for 2 weeks and was discharged well a couple of days ago.

However, despite advice from his doc he overloaded himself with water up to a point where his recuperating kidneys can't take it anymore and he went into acute pulmonary oedema (wet lungs) as if he had jumped into a river and drowned himself. For some reasons, he was determined to end his life.

Appparently, the first attempt was not a cry for help after all.

I went back to my on call room to sleep off any residual morning I had left.

Moments passed.

BEEP ! BEEP! BEEP !

Resuscitated

2010-11-03T09:01:00.000+08:00

I have always believe that prioritizing my personal life over career would be the most logical step in pursuing the absolute happiness.

After all what is the point of having a successful career without a companion,

the love of your life whom could also be your best friend & yeah you name it...

the whole enchilada.

It has always been about the pursuit of winning the girl of my dream.

Reality finally hits home... hard.

Think I gonna give my career another second shot.

After all it is the only thing I have left in this world.

Destination anywhere

2010-11-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

As I laid on my back staring at the beach.

One thing came to my mind.

It has been a

Statistics

2010-10-26T14:20:00.002+08:00

If you don't want to be part of a statistic, avoid 3 things:

1. Divorce

2. Smoking

3. Speeding

Food for thoughts.

Go figure.

To be the best in what you do

2010-10-22T12:30:00.001+08:00

The seminar on hypertension last night made an impact on my grey matter.

Seeing a German professor who'd travelled across the continents to share his opinions with us opened up my eyes on certain aspect of this life.

How do we become the best in what we do for living?

My take on this...

First, we need to identify what is IMPORTANT in our life.

Then we need an 'end result model' that shows us exactly what it looks like once we are there.

By God, we need to be inspired.

I've always considered myself as a family man, and should put priority on my family matters over my job.

A family of my own?

What am I talking about.

Come to think of it, I don't even have a sweetheart.

Then it came to me like a clear blue sky.

The only LOGICAL thing to do now is first to sort out my career, before everything else.

Before I even start a family of my own.

Overwhelmed

2010-10-20T01:51:00.000+08:00

I'm tired these days.

Too much work at the hospital.

Patients... many of them with chronic illness.

People dying everyday.

Chapter 3: The next level

2010-10-19T00:12:00.003+08:00

Beneath the fabric of human behavior. You will come across variety of colors...

...Ah bollocks!

Lately I have been writing the same stuff over & over again

It's time to move on.

It is time to dance!

Beating

2010-10-18T00:00:00.002+08:00

I sat quietly in a hidden corner with a wide view of people walking in & out of Ikea. The tall hot mocha with no cream lingered on my taste bud refused to be swallowed as a whole down my dry throat.

60% of them came with their families and kids.

30% were with their significant others, like lovers, you know the type.

9% in groups of friends.

1% was sitting quietly in a hidden corner sipping his tall hot mocha with no cream.

Is my heart still beating?

It is hard to tell as I last saw it hanging in my living room earlier.

View from the top

2010-10-17T01:07:00.002+08:00

I have a confession.

I'm beginning to lose faith in this so-called modern society.

In which some of the 'bizarre' ways of human-relationship have become an acceptable social norm.

Where people are judged better by the things they own or if they look in certain ways, or behave in certain 'manners'.

I have also become more skeptical on the institution of marriage. Although it is a Sunnah Nabi. But its values & qualities have deteriorated markedly in these last few years. The steep rise in divorce rate in Klang Valley is scary. Being married does not mean anything to everyone, anymore. There is nothing left out there that can protect its sanctity. Dishonesty in relationships are everywhere.

It brings me to one final conclusion.

People lie, hence as a general rule they cannot be trusted.

The only thing that matters in the end is not what was spoken, but the actions that follows.

Revisiting Zihuatanejo

2010-10-10T03:10:00.000+08:00

At some point of your life, you would wish for a place where you do not leave any footsteps behind. Hoping to avoid that resonance of echoes that reminds you of the void inside, which you are going to carry with you once you leave your heart at the door.

I am looking for my Zihuatanejo.

****

Andy Dufresne: When you get out from this prison, I want you to go to a place called Zihuatanejo. You'll have to cross the Mexican border.

Red: What's down there?

Andy Dufresne: You'll see. You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?

Red: No.

Andy Dufresne: They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory. Zihuatanejo.

Addendum

2010-10-09T08:44:00.003+08:00

It's been a cold morning.

As I'm sitting alone in the MO room.

Waiting for this silence to break.

Waiting for that on-call phone to goes off.

Back to square one.

Back to reality.

It's too quiet.

I'm beginning to like it, that it scares me a bit.

Eyes wide open

2010-10-09T01:11:00.000+08:00

It is now no longer matter to me as I have seen and heard enough to know the truth.

I knew a painter named Picasso who told me he was once approached by an intelligent lady with a face of an angel whom wanted to buy one of his drawing which was a portrait of a man. The piece was not that expensive but it has certain sentimental value to him.

Then as she took out the money out of her purse, she said:

"Hmm the man in the painting is all right, but he isn't tall enough, the thighs are too small, he has rather a small face and definitely not as good looking as the men in other paintings I have in my collection."

"Gosh how did you reply?" I got curious.

"It was easy, I splashed black paint over the drawing and told the lady ~ don't worry about it, it is now no longer for sale"

He chuckled.

Things you can do without

2010-10-08T15:00:00.007+08:00

For you ladies out there.

Have you ever got caught up in a state?

I am sure you have.

Awful isn't.

For example, you got all dressed up for some event.

Went there with your male best friend.

Then out of no where he commented that his mate's girlfriend is waaay better looking than you.

Thought that he was just teasing you, you asked him back.

To which he confirmed that he is not kidding.

But you did not deny what he said.

Coz deep down you know that is the truth anyway.

Everybody at the table knew that.

The world knows that.

That's not the point of this story.

What bugs you is that why on God's earth he needs to remind you of that.

Okay let's talk about something more important & substantial in this life.

Hmm like how to prognosticate a man with an unstable angina using the TIMI score.

Future

2010-10-06T19:06:00.006+08:00

Couple of things are in my mind.

It all began with the hunt for a place that I could call home. This is not something that we do everyday or on a regular basis. So this would be my latest obsession for the few weeks or so.

This will certainly changes things as I know it. The next 30 years of this life course will definitely take a whole new level of direction.

Shall I pack my bag and return back to live nearby my parents? Bought a house there and work for a teaching university hospital somewhere in the east coast. Have a family of my own there, grow a farm with a dozen of cows and goats.

Or shall I just stay put in Klang Valley, which means I might as well grab that condo and live happily overlooking the hills at sunset (presence of a female companion is optional).

... with a cup of hot milo of course!

The night of the living scrubs

2010-10-02T08:52:00.005+08:00

8pm Resus room:

A newly-wed young lady with dysuria. Jari di inai masih merah. All radiant but dehydrated with hypotensive, her urine looks dirty. Looks like another case of a honeymoon cystitis. Treatment: A good dose of antibiotics and... err take it easy ma'am and yes you too sir.

1am Private wing:

A VIP with an elective admission had a sudden surge in BP. There is nothing that a 'genuine' smile and an amlodipine 10mg od cannot fix.

4am Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever:

A 40 year old housewife, flushed out, abdominal distention, bibasal lungs crepitation fortunately no postural hypotension and good capillary refill. Gave her a 1 pint of dream over 1 hour and that bring the Haematocrit down nice and easy.

5am:

Kroooohhhh.... krooohhh krooohhhhh (apnoea) cough cough... wroooohhhhh wroooohhh

Chill before use

2010-10-01T00:48:00.001+08:00

Modern medicine does not have the cure to all diseases under the sun. Where mainstream medicine fails or does not work, we will admit it.

I have great respect for complimentary or traditional method of healing. Acupuncture is one them.

My concern lies with traditional drugs which do not go thorough scientific research and stringent regulation in checking their safety for mass consumption. Some of the active ingredients have incredibly high dose it could cause renal failure. One of my nurse developed heart failure secondary from taking traditional weight loss pill.

In contrast, any mainstream drugs that is reported to have 'safety concern' will be recalled even after it has been released to the public.

Having said that a lot of modern drugs are extracted from plants, and they are wonderful! For example, an oral anti-diabetic drug called metformin is extracted from a plant called Galega officinalis.

PS: I got no hidden agenda nor that I have any shares or benefit from any sales of the so called modern drugs. My only interest is your health.

Traditional mistake

2010-09-29T00:04:00.001+08:00

Everyone must refrain from taking traditional medication. Most of them contain 'steroid-based' ingredient, which although in short term can make you feel 'healthy' but it also can surpress your own natural steroid (mineralcorticoid) production by the adrenal glands (those little glands sitting on top of your kidneys).

Once you shut down your own steroid supply, your body would not be able to cope at times of stress (infection, inflammation etc).

I have seen many of these patients admitted in 'collapsed' state. Low blood pressure, lethargy or even unresponsive and death.

Come on, don't you think it's ridiculous that the so called ' one traditional' pill can cure everything under the sun.. from lesu, buasir, sakit jantung to mengetatkan apa-apa yang dah longgar.

Chapter 2: Relationship

2010-09-27T01:12:00.005+08:00

The momentum in a relationship between two lovers is not really about chemistry...

...it is mostly biology and physics.

Chapter 1: The wrong blog

2010-09-26T16:05:00.005+08:00

A man once told me...

that the worst nightmare for a man could have would be nothing other than 'falling in love with another man's woman'...

... to want something that he couldn't ever possibly have. But he could try and win her if he must. He could apply the concept of "All is fair in love and war" -- Francis Edward Smedley (1818 - 1864).

If you expect me to agree with him,

you are reading the wrong blog.

Defeat

2010-09-25T14:47:00.004+08:00

Lesson was not well taken, unfortunately for me.

There will be times in a man's life when he arrives at a junction that warrants him to make that decision to either fight for what he thinks is right, or to give up.

"I decided to give up.

I resign.

I resign from everything."

Door

2010-09-22T13:20:00.002+08:00

God works in a mysterious and yet full of surprises.

When he closes one door for you.

He will open another.

He wants to teach us the lesson of never giving up.

A doctor's heart

2010-09-19T23:17:00.000+08:00

"A 35 year old doctor had a heart attack, right.

His heart stopped, before they revived him back.

Now was he unlucky to have wasted 1 year out in rehab.

Or is he lucky to have had that rare opportunity...

... to sort out who is important in his life."

Everything else is not important

2010-09-16T13:06:00.003+08:00

Rule 1: Treat people like how you would like to be treated.

Rule 2: Look at rule 1.

Rusty

2010-09-15T00:05:00.004+08:00

Sometimes all we need is a little change in perspective. In the presence of a new company it could change the way you perceive how much your life has changed in the last year or so.

Last night I had the pleasure of being reminded on how crap I was after nearly 15 year-hiatus from the table. My moves were pretty rusty but to my surprise not thaaat bad that I managed to beat an opponent 6 years younger.

Let's talk about a giant leap of faith.

Anyone knows where we can do sky-jumping in Malaysia?

The cancer who stole Aidilfitri

2010-09-11T07:54:00.005+08:00

I went inside the ward and negotiated my steps along the corridor. My peripheral vision caught the sight of a nurse who called me in less than 4 minutes ago. I could sense the sadness engulfing the place.

I knocked the door and entered the dimly lit room. There was a man lying on the bed with a woman sitting beside him.

"He just died a while ago" Sarah, my medical officer whispered to me.

I looked at his medical notes.

"33 years old. Pancreatic cancer"

(for a brief moment, Randy came to mind)

He was about my age, I thought.

As I walked away, I noticed a familiar-looking old man on TV had just finished making the Raya announcement.

Homebound

2010-09-08T11:42:00.007+08:00

It it that time of the year where tiny folded papers are thrown onto the table.

I held my breath in suspence as my right hand reached out for my fate.

This is a vital process come every Aidilfitri.

Slowly... I unfolded the crumpled paper in front of me...... The four letter word caught my eyes...

As this off duty soldier on a ship homebound tomorrow.

Someone had to stay back and guard the fort.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA FOLKS !!

Fallen

2010-09-07T07:26:00.004+08:00

For every great tragedy needs a fallen hero.

Funny, I thought.

Yes, at first I don't mind being that guy.

Samson and Achilles did it.

Their sacrifices were larger than life.

Mine would probably be a tiny little white dot at the back of an elephant's ass.

The trick to not caring too much, is to care less.

A beautiful crap.

2010-09-05T17:10:00.003+08:00

I can't wait for puasa to be over.

The thought of sipping a venti cup of frappulicious strawberry coffee in Starbuck at 4pm with an airport book in my hand is so delightfully tempting.

On the other hand, I'm tired of being a side B. Time to stop the audio cassette.

It ain't a music if it is full of shit.

Dark sky

2010-09-05T15:15:00.003+08:00

This morning I dreamt of standing in a balcony overlooking the city skycrapers with KLCC in sight.

The sky was dark.

A storm was approaching.

It scared me.

Out of no where, a massive giant tornado, easily a class 5, appeared in front of me.

My dream has no longer become a gentle solace.

The boy I knew

2010-09-03T23:48:00.003+08:00

My patient died today at the tender age of 15 years old.

I didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

Deep inside I felt the tears were building up.

I could not cry.

I could not find an outlet to let out my anguish and frustration.

Randy Pausch. What I learned from him.

2010-08-29T02:05:00.001+08:00

In the end.

... all of us will eventually leave this world. It is going to happen. Maybe an hour from now, or maybe in 5 years time.

More important than figuring out our 'expiry date', is how we are going to fill that count down moment in our lives until our time is up.

Is it too late to change who you are? To get what you want in life?

The answer to that is easy.

No, it is not too late. As long as you know who you want to become.
Not changing your look. Or changing your clothing fashion sense. Those are not important.

We are talking about SUBSTANTIAL matter here.

I have come to realize recently in identifying what is important in my life.

What do you want to do with your life?

List them up.

And do it.

Make it happen.

But don't wait too long. Because one day you may find out that you have lesser time than you think you have.

Thank you Randy.

The golden moment

2010-08-13T00:17:00.001+08:00

It is that time of the year when we are all usually become sleepy by 3pm. Ecstatically happy at sunset. Bombarded periodically by acute post-prandial narcolepsy from then onward.

At 7.38pm - all the oncall fellah and some who are not on call - would gather around at the MO lounge equipped with the accoustic mode of singing bellies.

Lovely atmosphere. We share food and laughter.

This is much better than breaking fast at a 5 star hotel alone.

This is life at its best.

Home sweet home

2010-08-04T21:13:00.003+08:00

A quiet on-call night like this is rare to find. It is like a pearl lost in the ocean for thousand of years waiting to be discovered by a lonely diver.

I'm longed for serenity.

I am home.

The way things are...

2010-08-01T18:51:00.001+08:00

As the future slowly unfolded to me with every passing second, I find that the path is clearer than I could have ever envisioned it before.

Every relationship matures in its own unique way.
Not all romance should ended up as marriage.

Some relationship would be better off evolve into a long lasting friendship which in a way is a happily ever after ending too, considering the benefits it brings to both parties.

I learned that lesson the hard way.

But, it is a life-lesson that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Although the way things are right now, was not the way I wanted it to be.
But it is the way things should be.

It is the right way.

Stop being that hole (the one near perineum)

2010-07-19T00:14:00.004+08:00

Dear Salvatore Ferragamo,

Do you know fungus? I know them very well. I deal with fungus on a daily basis. They sometime kill my patient (if the bacteria can't finish the job that is).

Although they can be beautiful in microscale. And in a different life they could end up as a cheesecake.

The ugly truth is budyy.... you are like a fungus.

You dump your girlfriend, because you can't change what you are.

A thing that you claim prevent you guys from being together.

Yet you linger around her. All charming. Phone calls. Show up at her house at 5 in the morning. Acting like her boyfriend. And you became jealous when she's with another guy.

To me, you are just like a little boy.

Immature and selfish.

My advice:

If you be cannot be with a girl for whatsoever reason.

And you and her cannot remain in any lesser than a romantic relationship AKA Just friends.

And you very well aware that she is so DEEPLY IN LOVE with you.

That she is weak enough that she cannot continue her life without your love.

Then my boy, do what is right.

Just be a man.

Just walk away and leave her alone.

Let her continue with her journey and peacefulness she deserves.

She has suffered for too long from your little mind-fuck game.

I can't bear seeing my friend in that state.

Salvatore,

I wish you would stop being that annoying 'unremovable' fungal at the back of a nasopharyngeal cancer patient's tonsil.

How I wish you are a candida.

So I could get you an Amphotericin for your birthday.

Owh well it's none of my business anyway (apart from that you're hurting my friend). But then again she seems to enjoy your warmth and presence still.

Well Good Luck.

I'm out.

Disclaimer:

This is a work of fiction (and yes Elvis is very much alive in Memphis, and pigs can fly).

... Plus, Salvatore can very well be Salvalingam.

Age of innocence

2010-07-16T18:05:00.001+08:00

Lot of people talk about 'one day' concept. That one day they'll do this and that, go here and there. Empty talk just won't do it.

Just fucking do it. Oh yea don't say fuck, it's not good. Unless you really mean it.

Today is filled with a list of difficult cases which might be a relapse lymphoma, refractory myeloma and maybe just maybe (if I lucky enough) a case of sakit perut from an expired coca-cola. Damn fizzy.

As a result, I'm empowered by lot of negative energy today. Felt like I was going to explode into million of minuscule particles trapped inside a freaking hot jar colliding into each other - until I generate enough energy which will finally combust into a ball of fire.

Maybe one day. Who knows?

As for today.

I just gonna be me. Maybe I'll go back in time and be that 8 year old kid again. Stress free.

Whadaheck... playing "shoot 'em cowboy" with some schoolkids while stucked in a jam wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Relation-ship

2010-07-12T04:57:00.002+08:00

Given time, everyone will change and show their true colours.

I think I've said this before.

But is it true that once we grow tired of that person, we will have lower threshold of losing our nerve and let out our anger on him/her? Rhetorical question.

A lot of men (and women of course) out there who appear calm and collected at their workplace and hold back all the work-related stress and frustation, only to let it out on their families at home.

Are we taking granted people we claim we care for?

To them it is SAFER to unleash all of those anger and negative emotions to their love ones, knowing well enough that they will never leave you. As oppose to let it out on your boss and risk of getting fired.

My take on this.
If we never scold a stranger over a trivial matter, on a basis of basic courtesy and respect for another human being.
Then we should never do the same to our friends & families.

After all these are the people who actually care about us.

Class of 2010

2010-07-07T19:10:00.001+08:00

The new batch of medical students have just joined us for their clinical training. A TRANSITION where they start to use what they learn from books and apply it in the real life. They are young, vibrant people with innocent yet eager mind. They will kinda follow your ward round with 150% attention. The word 'Sorry doctor' comes out from their mouth every single minute when they think they've given you the wrong answer.

It could easily boost one's ego when you're surrounded by these students (Muaha ha evil laugh ha ha!!). It would certainly be wise to think carefully before you open your mouth, because they will jot down every single thing that you say into their little notebook.

I usually tell them to be polite, but never show that you are vulnerable or weak, and most important thing is to show that you are matured students (err even that one, they would write down... huh?!)

But as time passes by, these guys will eventually progress to the final year and with a blink of an eye, they graduate and become your peers...

... and of course start to lawan taukeh with you "in your face" kinda style.

Dear Thelma...

2010-06-14T07:45:00.002+08:00

I'm not a guru in relationship.

However, please allow me to share my thoughts with you...

Here goes...

We cannot move on to another new relationship if we don't CLOSE our old book. It wouldn't be fair to the new person who wants to love you.
If someone that we love can't be with us for whatsoever reason. You may continue to love him/her. But do not subconsiously sabotaging yourself by not allowing yourself to believe that you cannot love another person just as much or even deeper.
Love is boundless by intensity or degree. Don't let JUST ONE guy or woman from our previous relationship, I repeat... only ONE single person defines our experience of loving another or being loved (YES IT CAN GET BETTER).

(now read back)

Life is short.

There are 6 billion people out there.

Open your eyes and there will be someone out there waiting to meet you.

If we don't move forward, the only person who stands to lose is ourselves. Our ex-es are getting back into that dating game. Yes that is the reality of life. They will want to have a spouse, copulate and have kids etc etc.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my thoughts with you.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Love

PS: Sorry my hair was a mess. Just finished my on-call.

Live your life

2010-06-08T23:02:00.004+08:00

I'm easily getting tired these days.

Not much can I elaborate on that note.

The new ward rotation is draining my energy faster than... err (filling in the blanks).

Is this a beginning of an end?

Nyet, this is nothing but a hiccup. A bump on the road.

Coz I'm privileged to witness their life in that ward.

The fighting spirits of those who are facing death everyday.

Those who say that today is a bonus day for me, coz a doctor told me few months ago that I probably won't live long enough to see another month.

These people are not fighting for a better life, ranks, paycheck or higher quality of life.

They fight only for their survival.

When all hope seems to abandon us, all we have to do is to look at these fighters and perhaps learn a few life lessons.

A lesson, as simple as 'Do not give up'.

The long weekend

2010-05-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

It was a memorable long weekend.

A short sweet trip to Ipoh.

A delish dining experience in Auntie Aini's restaurant in Sepang.

Searching for a new home... nearly everywhere.

As I drove home from LCCT late this evening.

A glimpse of golden rays behind rows of silver cloud captured my sight, they sort of whispered to me that good life is just a sum of beautiful moment.

Treasure them as they come.

Gulp !

2010-05-27T00:54:00.003+08:00

I vividly remember my graduation ceremony. The Emeritus Professor Hugh E. Goldman, a man with 50 years of brilliantly colourful clinical practice behind him. The founding father of our medical shoool, stood proudly in front of us, the fresh medical graduate class of 2002 .

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the medical fraternity, every and each one of you who stand before me here today is now a qualified medical doctor."

He took a dramatic pause and stole a quick glance at me who stood at the corner of the front row.

"However, I am sorry to tell you that after your many years of training, we now know that half of what we taught you is wrong...

... The problem is, we do not know which half. Good luck and God bless."

Easy

2010-05-18T00:03:00.001+08:00

After all the stuff that had happened in the past, I find it's quite ironic that I started to somehow feel alive again. And to my surprise every new day has somehow brings excitement back again into this life.

As I said I'm a simple man wanting to live an uncomplicated life. If my life were to be a book. It should be entitled: The Complete Idiot's guide to a simple life.

Yes I'm a predictable man in some ways. It's not that hard to decipher my feeling. For example, this youtube clip here although it maybe just another piece of pirated music, it may either represents my fantasy of busking at Times Square or (not surprisingly) it could encapsulates what I feel deep inside these days.

Jiwang karat, rock shahdu, tangkap leleh... whatever mate.

Hey you there

2010-05-08T18:55:00.012+08:00

I got up this morning with a big smile plastered on my face.

Going through this life is all about making choices. Some days you make the right ones, and there are days when you are down on your luck and ending up taking all the wrong turns.

So first know yourself well and get yourself a map, then set your compass and charter your course. You will one day reach your final destination.

Last but not least, keep your reliable friends nearby, for the sea can get rough at times. Don't hurt them, you never know which one is their last straw. Reliable friends are hard to come by.

They are those rare precious souls out there who ask us how we are...

... and then wait to hear the answer.

So don't forget to wish your good friends a warm greeting every now and then by saying...

"Hey you there, I hope you have a lovely day today"

(yes you... this one is for you :)

Isketambatu

2010-05-05T17:23:00.003+08:00

Sometimes people don't want me to behave like a doc around them.

They just want me to be a good listener,

a friend,

just a normal me.

That I can do.

No problemo.

As easy as isketambola (... now that's weird)

Chasing the dragon

2010-05-03T00:33:00.001+08:00

What an out-of-ordinary week "with extra cheese" it had been! Spent the entire week trying to absorb humongous amount of information. This whole cerebral commotion could easily be the latest addition into the DSM-IV mental health diagnostic manual.

"...the kidneys should be somewhere inside the abdomen, everyone should have a pair of them..."

g>
"Crikey!! Just after we break hard into the left
corner you gonna pass the ball to Messi. Dammit lad do ya giddit?"

"The Medical Library... empty?"
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

wham bam!

2010-04-30T00:44:00.010+08:00

When people treat you like shit. You ought to fight your corner for the morale of your spirit. Stand your own ground and I promise you, it will be better if you do not go down quietly into the night without a single bruise on your face.

So what if the odd is against you.

The way I see it, you only have 2 choices. Either you smile at it and wait until you got beaten up to a pulp, or you could fuck back and say "Thank you Ma'am I'll be on my way now".

"Grow some balls will ya."

This ain't a love song

2010-04-19T00:01:00.003+08:00

Driving soothes me down. It somehow has a hypnotic effect on me as much as ironing shirts do. Listening to the radio while I'm at it is in most occasion a must. The funny thing is I cannot seem to relate to any romantic songs that are played on the air waves nowadays.

They are nice but I had stopped tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

Perhaps I'm not so vain after all... 'coz this song is ain't about me

In pursuit

2010-04-17T00:02:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to all of you out there....
who are still looking for that true one person....
that truly cares.

Emotional intelligence

2010-04-15T00:05:00.002+08:00

Have you ever got caught up in a moment where you wish you'd be more prepared to handle it?

No. I'm not talking about handling the situation. But handling yourself.

Either in public or personal interaction regardless whether they know you or not.

I got caught up in that situation recently.

Lost my cool and the way I respond toward a complete stranger. It was utterly unacceptable no matter at whichever angle I tried to rationalize my action.

I went home that night thinking what the fuck had happened. And most importantly 'what was it' that I try to prove. That I am a macho guy and a force to be reckoned with? Do I truly believe that I can command respect in that manner?

I should have been more responsible* with my action.

I wish my friend was not there to witness the ugly side of me. The side that I thought was buried and lost forever within the sands of time.

Well I reckon it is never too late, because making a mistake is an unfortunate thing. However, repeating the same mistake is just plain stupid.

______________________________________________

*Response-able = Able to choose a respond which is not based on other people's behavior toward us, but merely based on one's own value.

Don't wake up just yet

2010-04-12T00:45:00.003+08:00

It had been a tiring weekend. Lotsa shopping, walking and eating. After a long hiatus into the dark corner of that angel-forsaken-library, for a moment here & now, I feel like I started to re-live this life to the maximum again.

Maximum in a different way I mean. Like the title of that song album something about '200km/hr in the wrong lane', which I never listen to except for their single (okay so what sue me already).

Even my dream has becoming slightly bizarre. Something about playing chess under a hot sunday afternoon inside an 'authentic' Baba cafe while eating chendol.

Waitafreakinminute. Was that a dream?

A Brand New Day

2010-04-10T03:15:00.008+08:00

Waking up in the morning used to be a pain in the ass on most days.

The fact that I am currently wide awake at 3.15 on Saturday morning might be due to the excessive caffeine I guzzled earlier. I suppose it's somehow got to do with the heightened state of my sub-conscious awareness. Yes! As contradictory those words are, I'm sure with the current working diagnosis, I'm somehow able to prognosticate my future better.

So if you ask me what is my long term prognosis?

I would say "Nah, let say I won't be too much worry about it just yet. Let's cross the bridge when we get there"

On another note, that brings me to this particular song. It kinda refreshing to hear it in the morning and gear up to face the challenge of a big city.

A year later

2010-04-07T04:42:00.007+08:00

Although a year has passed since 'Baker @ 7', the chilly 7.40pm London wind is still blowing cold against my face. I could still see The 'Baker Street Station' fluorescent light heavenly glowing even as I close these eyes.

It was not that long ago when I thought I have come to a point of knowing what my life would be like to be with that someone I could grow old with.

It was my dream all along, and mine alone it seems. A wishful thinking at best. All the shared songs. The inspirations that tagged along with them. Well I suppose they would all remind me of something beautiful that has happened in the past.

All the chips finally have fallen into their places. And how ironic it seems that as the picture becomes clearer it seems to move further away from me.

This is where the dream for a boy ends and a reality for a man begins.

Bee like a buzz

2010-03-29T00:01:00.002+08:00

Just for the record.

I rather live in a day to day reality where it hurts when someone slaps you in the face. Rather that dreaming a beautiful fantasy life only to wake up 7 hours later to face the inevitable disappointment (which includes having late supper with Megan Fox in Brickfields).

I'm happy with the way things are right now.

Now.. It kinda feels like I'm reading a really good novel, in which I knew how the ending is gonna be like. No more unfold twisted surprises in the end. And yet somehow knowing the ending is not deterring me from continuing reading it.

Bla bla yada yada, I should be doing some work now.
But whadaheck... I had done quite a lot today including these last few days.
Quite happy with the progress.. plus the fact I've been given Thursday and Friday off as well.

You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,

... and Bee like a buzz.

Quarter past forever

2010-03-24T01:24:00.004+08:00

It's sometime between midnight and sunrise where I found myself lost somewhere between now and forever.

It has been nearly a year since I last call them.

Calling all angels... I need you near to the ground.

I miss you dearly
Can you hear me on your cloud?

Itchy

2010-03-20T00:13:00.002+08:00

A middle age accountant sat in front of me in the clinic looking calm and collected.

You got HIV.

Oh okay.

Have you ever used intravenous drug illegally before .. y'know cucuk sendiri, sharing needles?

No.

Ever received blood transfusion?

Nope.

Sex with any other girl beside your steady partner.

Er... No

That "er.... no" sounds like a yes to me.

(short pause...) Yeah.

You got to tell your partner that you have this, and use barrier method like condom whenever you guys are having sex.

Er... okay.

(the second er... gave me an itchy butt)

****

Trust need to be earned, not given.

I re-learn it in a hard way recently.

A second chance

2010-03-18T01:37:00.002+08:00

This evening I had an argument with a certain professor who is supervising my thesis. Now that can't be good.

I don't know why I risked engaging myself in such a dangerous situation. It could be due to the hot weather that burns down my throat or perhaps a poor sod flapped its wing in Buenos Aires. I suspect it hasn't got anything to do with that expired Mee Sedap 'perasa bawang goreng' with lots of chillies I ate last night either.

No matter what the aetiology was that created my state of volatile emotion which beget this labile action, the consequences could be disastrous to my future employment in this hospital.

I hope I'm not turning back into the man I was many years ago.

I hope I could undone some of my actions in the last few weeks.

I hope the tenant who live on the top floor would stop moving his furniture at 2 in the morning.

I hope for so many things in life now....

... but the one I'm hoping for the most is a second chance from her.

Destination home

2010-03-16T00:02:00.004+08:00

Ended up slept away the entire Sunday afternoon. Woke up at 8pm with a left temporal headache and cursing my amygdala for being so weak.

I purposely drove to Bangsar so that I could do some thinking while I'm at it. The 2x2 table at Madam Kwan's appeared larger than usual when you were sitting alone without a company.

The new 'salted cappucino' flavour at the Coffee Bean tasted rather... salty. It had already gotten cold by the time I took the first sip. Wasn't that amazing after all. Nothing memorable.

It must had been somewhere between erythema multiforme and pyoderma gangrenosum when I looked up and realised that it was raining.

"Loneliness has never been this inviting" I said to Lolly.

"Well... welcome home, it had been a magical journey" she replied.

I turned towards her to return her smile. But she was no longer there.

Short entry

2010-03-13T18:06:00.000+08:00

There can never be too many acronyms in medicine. Acroyms are short, effective and sometime catchy. They are not meant to be jargon for public. But merely a creation to help doctors saves time by not saying the what could be a mouthful medical condition, such as S.A.R.S (severe acute respiratory syndrome). In other words, we're all bunch of malas people.

So in a typical 3am busy Sunday morning dealing with crisis in a resus room in A&E (...see my point) would be something like this...

Case 1:

"Hello Dr Mamat, this Makcik Julia was a LOL who came in DOA had history of BOOP with COPD complained of SOB since 1/52 ago, now our differentials apart from the obvious would be a PE, certainly wasn't in ARDS or an ACS".

Now wouldn't that save the poor doctor a 4.92 seconds (multiply by 20 patients say in a graveyard shift (graveyard shift eh.. how ironic!).

Anyhow, I suppose acronyms wouldn't make so much difference in saving time. Perhaps it is really design to confuse the public after all... especially lawyers if they happen to check our mortality records. Ehem.

Case 2:

"Oh btw Nurse Danielle, this SOB is an active IVDU has a VSD with a severe IE. Chart the antibiotic STAT"

***

LOL = little old lady

DOA = dead on arrival

BOOP = bronchiolitis obliterans organising pneumonia

COPD = chronic obstructive airway disease

SOB = shortness of breath / son of a banker

1/52 = 1 week ago

PE = pulmonary embolism

ARDS = acute respiratory distress syndrome

ACS = acute coronary syndrome

IVDU = intravenous (illegal) drug user

VSD = ventricular septal defect / very short dick

IE = Infective endocarditis

The final flight

2010-03-05T00:02:00.005+08:00

A bizarre thought came to me during my last oncall, while my hand was underneath a pendulous non-lactating left mammary gland of a 40 year old lady in the ER, palpating for what seems to be an elusive apex beat. Yes, I'm brilliant at multi-tasking.

It occurred to me that Hospital is like an airport.

The Departure Hall is so efficient that you will never have to worry about missing your flight. When your time is up, trust me you will be on that plane. On the other hand, the Arrival Hall is filled with tiny bald humans with an average body weight of 3kg.

I've been spending a lot of time in the departure hall lately.

This morning I accompanied 2 young men boarding their final flight. One of them was a 28 years old with colon cancer. His fiancee sat closely and whispered the word of love to his ear. I noticed their 'old picture' together on her hand phone screen showing him in his earlier days. He looked fit, tough and mean unlike the frail cachectic man before me whose breathing was rapid and laboured, mumbling words that remotely resemble any spoken language.

As the familiar feeling of morbidity filled the quiet room, I held his hand and delivered the morphine hoping to ease off the pain.

It was time to let go.

My sweet-heart

2010-02-21T22:56:00.006+08:00

******

I am no longer alone at night...

.... yup got someone to keep me company!

She keeps me awake on most nights, when I don't think I could carry on with my late night activities.

She will always be there standing by to refresh my mind and cool down my senses.

Her mode of action could rush tons of adrenaline along my carotids into the circle of Willis.

Sometime she'll bring along her friends too.

Oh yeah...!

She is too sweat... I'm sure she is going to give me diabetes one day.

Thank you

2010-02-17T00:18:00.005+08:00

Life is a sum of moments.

If by any chance Mr Alzheimer come knocking on my cerebral door during my life as an old man in my golden days. If he is kind enough to allow me to save a few memories for my safe keeping, before he wipes out the rest.

My choices would be obvious.

It is now no longer hard to choose from, for I now have my favourite.

The cactus from Cameron would be forever in it.

Let it rain

2010-02-14T11:01:00.000+08:00

As I grow older and look back at all these years I left behind. I realise that it has been a one helluva journey. All the people whom I've met along the way, those that are kind enough to stop and share a moment of their life with me. They are all special in their own very unique ways. I'm certainly and truly blessed to have the opportunity of meeting all these wonderful souls.

Having said that, I am unsure whether I have extended the similar kind of warmth and kind gestures to them in return.

It reminds me of this song clip which I first saw at 14 years old. It was my favourite back then, and not surprisingly it still has its magic on me. I bet it has got something to do with Clapton's touch.

How appropriate it is that it kind of encapsulates how I feel as I turned 35 this month.

"I better stop now... MARGARETTTTT!! Woman have you seen my anti-sentimental pills???"

Losing it

2010-02-08T00:03:00.003+08:00

What a bizarre on-call.

They all knew when to come in at the same time.

Like some kind of a conspiracy from the highest order.

I felt like some punk American GI queueing for that last rescue chopper in Saigon during the final retreat from the Vietcong onslaught.

Shit, if it had gotten any worse than that, I'm sure I could have come up with a song entitled "When all the common diseases present atypically..." YEAH! I could have won the Grammy's next to Jay-Z.

Medically speaking, if the diagnosis of your illness contains the word idiopathic as its prefix (eg. idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy), it means that the disease has an unknown aetiology. Or in simpler term, your doctor doesn't have a freaking clue what causes your disease.

I hope the word idiot was not coin by the same pre-historic Greeks scholars who came up with idiopathic. Then it may as well means that doctors who use the word idiopathic are a bunch of idiots.

Coz that would be absolutely bloody hilarious, and then I'd laugh at myself out loudly till I poop a bloody diarrhoea.

"No Janet... no, I don't mean it has blood in it. I'm pretty sure I don't have ulcerative colitis (yet)."

A lost hope

2010-02-01T00:05:00.003+08:00

There are times when you thought you have made the right decision for your patients. Those who initially responded to the treatment plans you have prescribed, but later deteriorated right under your watch.

****

It was my last on-call before the new year. We were in an elevator on our way to the 3rd floor where the operating theatres were located. The patient was a lady of early 40's. She has bubbly personality and liked to talk to the staffs.

"I feel so tired and sleepy, I want to sleep just for a while." Her voice was weak and shaky. The fact that she was no longer chatty made me worry.

"No, not yet Kak, you have to stay awake. Open your eyes, stay with me" I held her right hand tightly as I stole a glance at the portable monitor displaying her low blood pressure. She looked pale from having lost some amount of blood. Earlier, she had undergone a procedure that went into complication. The blood transfusion was in progress as we wheeled her into Emergency OT 2.

"Okay Kak, you are going to have the surgery now." I whispered to her while manually ventilate her with oxygen. She nodded, giving me the sign that she was ready. I asked her to mengucap before I pushed in the intravenous sedative and induction agents.

With the Etomidate now flowing through her veins, her eyes were no longer focusing on me and she gently closed her eyelids.

The surgical team worked very hard to fix the problem. During the surgery she went into arrhythmia. The surgeons moved away from the table while we resuscitate and defibrillate her back into sinus rhythm.

Although the surgery was a success, she did not regain back her conscious. Over the next few days I watched her lying on the ICU bed connected to a ventilator, fighting for her life. Until one morning I came to work and found out that her bed had been occupied by a new patient. Her nurse told me that she had pass away late last night.

****

She had gone for nearly 5 years now, yet at times the thought of her linger in my mind. She never had the chance to say goodbye to her loved ones. The last person she saw before I put her into sleep, was not the image of her husband or her 2 young children...

... but a face of a stranger in which she put her hope and trust. Sometimes, I could not help but to feel that the stranger had let her down.

****

24 hour

2010-01-26T20:38:00.009+08:00

Saturday on-call was eventful up till 5am. That was when my imaginary guardian angels (... well you know what i mean) finally decided that my battered knees and sprained right wrist could need a bit of a break.

8.05am - Ashraff, the senior A & E registrar called in from the resus room, a 65y man with sudden onset breathlessness, fever and cough had a high cardiac enzyme which may signify a heart attack requiring a CCU bed.

12pm - 2 patients in CCU needed a central venous line each. "Well, no problemo gentlemen. Just show me your lower necks. I'd love to puncture those areas with my sharp 18 gauge needles."

5pm - Suraya, a super bright and vibrant 2nd year internal medicine MO called in for a CRW bed. She wanted a bed for her 60y old lady with fast atrial fibrillation secondary from thyrotoxicosis. Rate about 110/min, no failure symptoms. BP holding on with no inotropes.

10pm - another man with a heart attack had gotten worse. His type 1 respiratory failure had now complicated by severe metabolic acidosis, slowly poisoning his vitals organs and could push him into comatose state within next few hours. Respiratory fatigue will be inevitable. His BP was rather low with 3 inotropic support.

Shit. Time to intubate him.

"Uncle, you're not doing too well at the moment. We need to put you into sleep in order to make you feel better. Now before we do that, I want you to think of God in your heart and mengucap okey."

He looked weak and nodded quietly.

3am - intubated man now developed coffee ground coloured material inside his nasogastric tube.. ?? We dealing with an upper GI bleed until proven otherwise. DAMNIT. Well at least there is no malaena.

"Okey, start IV pantoprazole 80mg STAT, followed by 8mg/hour infusion. Gotta call in the bleeding team."

At that point, the patient's wife looked at me. Tears started to flow down her cheeks "What have you done to my husband, doctor... ? He was well 5 hours ago. Now he bleeds after you connected him to that breathing machine..."

I tried to comfort her "Auntie, your husband is very ill... he might be bleeding from his tummy, but it is not related to the intubation, I will..."

I couldn't finish my sentence. She already left the room with tears flowing heavily.

Second class passenger

2010-01-19T16:51:00.003+08:00

Have you ever being made to feel that you're not good enough to join a gathering?

Although the person who was being celebrated in that gathering was a person dear to you.

You were told that somehow your presence would make other guests feel uncomfortable. And the reason for that because the other guests did not know you.

"Tranquility, no... no not now okay. Bad boy. Go play fetch. You will be summoned only when you're needed."

***

Eleanor Roosevelt once said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Well Eleanor, I disagree. Not when that person meant something to me. Especially when the person who did that was the least likely person I expected to do such a thing. The person that I really care for. Otherwise, I would not give a bloody darn thing about it.

Celebration

2010-01-15T19:05:00.005+08:00

It's Friday night!!

Tonight is something that I really look forward to. Going to put on my new shirt, apply that extra wax on my hair in my vain attempt to put good first impression among new friends.

It will start out perfectly with a wonderful dinner with some of my closest friends before headed for late drink with a bunch of new friends in celebrating someone dear to me.

The very fact that she also would like to share this special night with me means that I'm also a close friend in her life.

It will be an absolutely brilliant night.

Civilised

2010-01-15T00:45:00.001+08:00

The world is filled with 6.5 billions lives, each with its own unique personality. Every each and one of them has amazing stories which we could tap into and take away from them valuable lessons in life.

To respect others is important, no matter how much you might 'potentially dislike' them due to very personal reasons. But in the end, I realised that if you put those reasons aside and try to see that person in a neutral perspective. I have a feeling that you will find something in common which you would respect.

Well tonight I got the chance to meet up with someone who fit that bill and we behaved like a bunch of civilised men.

It's been a productive day.

Blue

2010-01-10T11:00:00.009+08:00

Sunday. 7am.

I sat down in the balcony overseeing an empty pool. The sky was breaking blue on the horizon.

The soft January breeze from the south unabashedly caressed my face.

Moments passed as I sat there gazing upward to what appeared to be a heaven on earth.

Then only did I realise how lucky I was that I had been held captive by a beautiful day.

This is the life.

Resolution

2010-01-01T08:05:00.005+08:00

It was a calm, quiet night.

Not a touch of chaos in sight.

The full moon bathed us in its light bringing everything else into a sense of perfect balance.

As the midnight hour struck, we raised our drinks and toasted to a good year and good health.

At first, I thought being a happier person with what I already have would be my new year's resolution.

Damn, I was wrong. This life is not just about me.

It's about making a difference in other people's lives.

..."Life is short I'm going to help as many lives as I can".

Simple pleasure

2009-12-28T00:01:00.001+08:00

The sky was of clear light blue with different shades.

The rain had just stopped.

I can smell the scent of fresh wet grass.

The slippers I wore made squishy sound as I made my way across the garden.

I found some whites flowers lying on the grass.

I stopped, as I enjoyed the simple pleasure given in this life.

Miracles & love

2009-12-16T01:08:00.002+08:00

Whatever happened in the past, I believe everything happens for a reason.

So few fundamentals need to be covered before we walk into 2010. Although hope can be cruel at times, I believe that we should never give up on our hope.

Never give up on those who in need of our service, although all that is left are miracles. For every disease has its cure, and human knowledge are the rate-limiting factor. But there is no real bound to what human spirit can achieve. In the face of our greatest adversary that can only we acknowledge our weaknesses and overcome them.

If you ask me what do I know about love. Well, I know for certain now that you can't create or fake it. Although recently I was wounded by its departure, but that is mostly due to my own naivety, and perhaps somewhat self-inflicted. I'm sure she's out there somewhere. I just haven't found her yet.

I'm looking forward for 2010. There will be lot of major changes in this life. Although, one thing will never change though, is that I always be a man of certain characters... an idealist and a dreamer.

With all of those in mind, it is time to make our very own miracles.

Good luck folks!

... and good bye.

***

"It's late at night and I can't sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile
Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cuz I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying
Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles

Cuz I ain't giving up on love"

***

Meet Mr McClane

2009-12-14T21:29:00.005+08:00

If I were to have a housemate.

He would be as cool as this chap here.

... and I would call him John McClane.

Smart, cool and tough.

"Ms Katherine eat your heart out" :D

My way

2009-12-12T00:12:00.005+08:00

At times, you will feel a certain connection to songs that sort of reflect how you feel at a certain point of your life. As the 2009 curtain nearly closing upon us. These are the few phrases that feel close to home.

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

****

I had taken few course of action this year, and followed my instincts. Although the result was not quite as I wanted it to be, but it gave satisfaction knowing that I had given it my best shot. So I won't regret it many years down the line by asking myself "What if I have done it?"

Uncle Newton was right on the spot with his 3rd law, that to every single action there is an equal amount of energy but in the opposite direction.

Good. Now I've got to at least admit it, that the ending of 2009 is ain't that super. However, on the plus side, I've learned some useful stuff on how to deal with my own issues and others especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I am a much wiser man I hope.

The world is round, and it can only be fair that all things would get their own share of joy and pain. But it is time to put some everlasting smile on that face.

I double dare you 2010, bring it on!!

Somewhere wonderful

2009-12-08T21:17:00.009+08:00

Came home to a dark quiet space.

Turned on the fan at maximum speed.

The light can wait.

I dropped everything that I had in my hand onto the black coffee table and found myself curled up on the sofa... and slowly closed my eyes.

Some people believe that at the end of one's life you would see all your past events flash quickly right in front of you, it feels like watching your own movie running at high speed.

I experienced that earlier this evening. All the memories flashed right before my eyes as we had some serious talk about how this relationship had come to an end.

****

One particular image caught my breath as I tried to contain my feelings.

"I don't care anymore... " I uttered those words accidentally out loud as I lost my way somewhere inside her eyes. She looked puzzled and we laughed our heart out.

That was the best time of my life.

Ain't a reality show

2009-12-05T20:44:00.006+08:00

It has been a truly revealing sub-plot for yours truly these last few days. Whereby, I realised for the first time where my "character" now stands in this soap opera-like real life drama, similar to those once shown at 2am on TV2.

The question is what could possibly happen to your character when it has been downgraded from a main role into a supportive role. Could they kill off off your character like Dr Drake Ramoray? Wait, I think we all what's the answer to that question.

In the end, well people's priority change as they seem fit. So this is not a blaming game. And who am I to argue with people's wish.

Run my mind tells me, save your feelings. Fragility doesn't pay, and it definitely won't save your arse one day when you fall. Everyone has a little bit of self preservation ego, I think I've suppressed mine long enough. Well some actors would quit the show. Better quit then be killed right?

It is time to wake up and smell the fresh scent of roasted-coffee and perhaps the fresh carbon monoxide in the Klang Valley's air. I suppose if the reality is too good to be true, then you're right, it usually is not the truth.

Although the damage has been done, I just have to come up with some kind of backup plan.

Like the old man in Ward 2 once told me "Don't worry young man, you just improvise and get on with your life."

I think I've repeated this statement before. It is Deja Vu all over again.

Happy at last

2009-11-30T00:05:00.006+08:00

There are so many things in this life that we take for granted, may it be our health, our secured financial status, well not to say that we're rich. Enough to say that we would not go hungry at night or have to starve ourselves because we can't afford to have food on our plates.

Ah yes! Of course the more money we have the better, which to some of us that would be a never ending quest. What is more important in the future is to have more time for myself.

So at this current state of life and as far as happiness is concern. I think I'm pretty much a happy guy now.

Although I'm yet to settle down with a girl and have my a family of my own. At least I have a decent job which I enjoy doing day in & out. Parents for which I'm sure loves me (Gee I do hope so). Good friends that I can share stuff with and to rely on during good times and at time of needs.

It would be a great tragedy in life if one looks back at one's journey and weep like a wounded soul. I have a good feeling that 30 years down the line, I could look back at all this and have a good laugh at myself and yes again that's good enough for me.

Yes, you always have choices in this life.

I choose to be happy with what I have now.

a febrile affair

2009-11-20T22:01:00.005+08:00

Falling sick again.

The last 2 days were nothing but a roller-coaster of moderate grade fever, and I can't seem to shake off the febrile mode. Surviving with 6 hourly PCM. Hopefully it's nothing. Coz i can't afford to fall ill or worse admitted again.

Deep inside i fear it may in fact be dengue, especially with its rising incidence in KL in the past 2 weeks. That plus the fact that these eyeballs felt 'pressured' whenever I closed them, with the occasional arthralgia. Devoid of flu-like symptoms makes me pretty much sure about this self-diagnosis. Even worse I'm gonna be oncall tomorrow in the emergency dept.

I wish the fever would leave me alone. Otherwise I would be treating a legion of ill people while my own platelet is plunging by the hour.

Damn I hate those freaking mosquitoes.

Ho Liao !

2009-11-11T00:01:00.003+08:00

To survive one of the bloodiest on call was one of the superb feeling to any of us out there. You feel like you did your job and earn a restful post call day.

Last night was one of those when the phone call just wouldn't stop ringing till morning. It ended at 7am with the final call from the ER docs wanted to get an opinion on an elderly lady who was brought in very ill.

The ECG of interest finally landed in my hands, and true enough we made the right decision at the very crucial point not to thrombolyse the patient.

When the on call ended, I dragged my sleepy body up to the canteen and have a jolly good breakfast with my mates who just arrived with fresh clothes and smiley faces and I on the other hand could have won the "smelliest haggard-looking ogre" award of the year.

I knew

2009-11-06T20:50:00.014+08:00

Trust is important.

Between a surgeon and her patient. Before she makes the first incision.

Between husband and wife. Before the akad niqah.

Between lovers. Before the first kiss.

When that trust is broken nothing could fix it, not even a single stitch on a pus-ridden open surgical wound nor the shedded tears of a repented sinner.

I can live with a broken heart, but not with broken trust.

Call this a sentimental crap. Call it whatever you want.

But when you look into my eyes, I expect nothing but the fucking truth.

Tell me...

"Have you ever dance with the devil under the pale moonlight?"

Yes, that question is both metaphorical and rhetorical. Because I knew the answer all along.

Yes.. I'm a benign yet sadistic being in many ways you can't imagine.

Second life

2009-11-02T22:34:00.006+08:00

I saw a public health poster reminding us to bring our mom to health service. Which reminds me that all the things in our life may not come true without her existence. That may include our very own presence in this world.

If one drives to Terendak Camp in Melaka, within the 4th Regiment compound you will come across a huge 15 feet in depth fish pond. I was 8 years old when on one fateful day I found myself at the bottom of that pond. The murky green water had filled part of my lungs making them harder to inflate with every passing second. What occurred for few minutes feels like forever when you are somewhere between life and death.

At that very moment I saw another person in that fish pond. A figure of a girl roughly 2 feet in front of me. She smiled and pointed up toward the surface gesturing me to swim upward. Retrospectively, perhaps my brain had become hypoxic of oxygen and started to play trick on me. Visual hallucination. Funny enough, I did not feel I was in any grave danger. Not a strike of fear or panic engulfed my mind. I feel protected as though someone was there all the while telling me that everything is gonna be all right.

Just before my vision became fuzzy I saw another figure came right from above me with arms wide open and pulled me out of the pond. An army sergeant came by to help and gave me pulmonary resuscitation for 5 minutes.

***

My mom... up until this very day never know how to swim. On that day she jumped into that pond without hesitation and saved me.

Happy birthday Mom.

Thank you for everything.

Different strokes

2009-10-24T11:29:00.010+08:00

Great time with good friends having splendid food...

What could be a better way to fuel your weekend other than this..

It is time like this that I start to count the blessings in my life, what it has to offer.

All the beautiful things in life is always a subjective thing between people.

Even when it comes to the same person, the perspective on things might differ as well, most of it would be depended on the state of mind that shapes that particular mood at the given time.

Earlier in the evening as I walked out to my car, as the sun was setting fast, and the cloud was pouring its heart out, the image of this old lady who was paralysed due to a major stroke (cerebrovascular accident / angin ahmar) sitting on her wheelchair waiting for someone to pick her up just hit me right home.

I can't stop from thinking about her even as I reach my destination. Would there even be a meal waiting for her at home?

Kiss of life

2009-10-21T21:38:00.004+08:00

The average age of Malaysian folks getting a heart attack these days is 57 years old, and 59 years old for a stroke. A much higher rate compared to western countries. Surprised?

Well I'm not surprised, since KFC has been part of our weekly diet these days.

Even our sponsored breakfast at drug talk this morning was well *smirk* is no other than your own uncle Ronald's delicious hamburger.

Do you know that major risk factors for myocardial infarction are:

smoking
hypertension
hyperlipidaemia
diabetes
obesity
male
age

The good news is most of these attacks would kill you instantenously, so it would be a quick agonising death. So it can be anywhere from your bathroom to the boardroom or while you're having sex (oh yes grandpa, yup yup). If you lucky enough you might make it to an ER. Once you are stabilised, you may get an angiogram basically we poke your artery and push a wire into the opening of your coronary vessels and inject a contrast to find blocked vessels.

Hurm but only IF you survive the first attack. So first you gotta teach your spouse, children, girl/boyfriend a CPR.. to you know increase your survival odd if let say you collapsed with a cardiac arrest.

Ah well enjoy the show.. penat lah tulis banyak2.

The last bus to Santa Fe

2009-10-16T21:05:00.011+08:00

The truth is out.

What do you do when you found out that what you've been holding out all this while is nothing but some illusion in an October sky. A mirage in the burning Sahara.

Yes perhaps some people would stay in the dream pretending that nothing happen, while others would opt for the quickest exit route.

In the end it has been a very enlighting path for yours truly. It makes me realise that there are people out there each with their own unique character and personal agenda.

The real questions is what do you do?

In the word of Jack Ryan to the old man in the White house...

"Sorry Mr President, I don't dance".

Achtung!

2009-10-10T22:54:00.005+08:00

I was told that I'm being too bloody sensitive and over-emotional when handling myself in public. I'm aware of my personality and will admit that I'm not the most macho guy ever walk the earth. One thing for sure I could only get vulnerable when it comes to the person I care. Well yeah I'm a person who evolve with time. Every single thing that I absorb along the way would be processed within my frontal zones and digested with care. If it's a total crap, then it will be flushed out of the system like every single wasted material there is. Some habit I could shake it off, and some might stay put.

Only time would tell whether the man I am today is the person I will be tomorrow. As for now, I got some feedback which I will keep a mental note on.

The bad news is one thing for sure there will be some collateral damage at the hospital next week, as my mind is still recovering from the side effects of those 2 types of pills I took. The good news is I know every single one of them by now. So yeah it won't effect my clinical judgement, but it may effect my internal mood. Yeah be careful of self medicating doctors. We can be very loose & unpredictable in our action.

So it seems that finally Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde want to come out and play.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Stranger

2009-10-01T04:25:00.001+08:00

It is a silent morning.

Too quiet that I could hear my own breathing
Counting down my own pulses and they are pulsating at 100 beats per minute.

The palpitation of my own heart is so strong now that I feel a bit giddy as I stand up looking for the light switch in the bathroom.

I catch my own reflection on the mirror and a stranger is standing there staring at me looking rather intense. For a while it is as if we're having a staring contest. He looks rather shaky to me and I bet I could take him down with a low hook swing across his right ribs.

However this morning I think I'm gonna leave him alone.
I'm not going to give him the fight he can't possibly win.

Your smile

2009-09-22T09:58:00.008+08:00

There are many things inside the human body which I could explain,

and yet my heart has its reason of which my reason knows nothing of.

The red rose that refuse to die

2009-09-18T00:05:00.005+08:00

This evening as I was sitting there looking at the balcony. I thought to myself that as this Ramadhan is coming to the end, few things have managed to linger in my mind.

1. The beautiful colourful neon lights that shimmer the corridor of my late night on call duty.

2. A patient who died on one fateful Friday evening while the whole unit was on our way to break our fast at Midvalley. We stayed and worked on him for 1 hour. He didn't make it though.

3. The busy clinic workload with over 100 patients to see from 9am to 4pm. That includes a patient whom I caught red-handed with a cigarette pack in his breast pocket (while I was auscultating his heart) while swore to me before then that he had quit for good. The two of us had a really good laugh on that one. Not forgetting to mention a 70 year old makcik whom after knowing that I'm not married wanted to match-make me with her daughter. And a nenek who really want me to come over to her house for raya.

4. The early morning long-distance wake-up call that woke me up for sahur. Boy I'm gonna miss that one.

5. The after office-hour chess games that we indulged in while waiting for traffic to ease down before we hit the road. Last score, that guy beat me 8 to 6.

6. But even with all those in mind, the one thing that really matters to me is the thought that one day I hope the owner of this red rose would come back for it. Even though it no longer has life within it. But to me it is very much alive ever since the night I brought it home with me on June 19.

Selamat Hari Raya ;)

2009-09-16T21:36:00.002+08:00

Save Yvonne's Sight

2009-09-14T22:09:00.004+08:00

I've been tagged by Andrea Whatever, to aid in campaigning for this unfortunate young lady.

Yvonne Foong, 22, has neurofibromatosis type II, which has severely affected her sight and hearing due to tumours in the brain and spine. She is scheduled for an operation between 1 and 4 December 2009.

She is hoping to raise the money by republishing her book I'm Not Sick; I'm Just a Bit Unwell in English and Chinese. The books are now available in Malaysian bookshops and from her web store. She is also selling T-shirts at bazaars and via her web store. You can read about her surgery and donate to her fund.

Good luck Yvonne!

Cranky but...

2009-09-11T17:57:00.001+08:00

The Tuesday clinic was busy, we got around 60 patients to see and that all had to be done before 2pm before the cardiology fellows kick in and wanting to start their own clinic duty.

One patient that I saw, a 70 year old lady in a wheelchair whom had all sort of medical illness under the sun. From gout to heart disease; stroke, hypertension to diabetes. You name it, she could practically be a walking pathology textbook.

What strike me was her personality. Although she's living in an old folks home without any surviving relative, she was pretty much more alive than I was on that day. Chirpy in characters and love making jokes with our staffs. Gee! She could be wearing a purple wedding dress and a red hat, and she could still beat Britney Spears' arse any given sunday.

Then I thought, it could probably be that she was just happy for some particular reason on that day. Perhaps she got a new set of dentures or she got lucky the night before. Who knows? Romance could still blossom in the old folks home right. The notebook, anyone?

However, when I flipped through the notes looking back at her previous clinic visits, even one of my friend agreed with my impression of her that day.

Then it finally sank to me, she probably has lived a wonderful fulfilled life. It is as simple as that. And all of those years have make her a generally cheerful person.

That alone is enough to bring a smile to my face for the whole day.