29 November 2010

A Good bye

Chasing Pavements is the first song she ever gave me, that was 2 years ago. She asked me what I thought it meant. My reply was hasty and all wrong in retrospective. I told her it is a love song. Perhaps because it reflected on how I felt. I was infatuated head over feet.

Tonight after browsing wikipedia, I finally knew what the song really meant and the storyline behind the video clip. Interesting I thought.

During the long night drive back from my hometown tonight. I heard again Chasing Pavements along with other songs that we shared during the first year of our friendship.

It made me realise about something.

I realise that I am still missing that special person I once knew.

Once upon a time, she inspired a lot of things in me. How her smile made my day and made me through any given weekdays. That includes creating this new blog, which at that time symbolised a new chapter in my journey. Those were the best times of my life.

Although she is still around. But deep inside I know she is no longer the same person I met at the bus stop in Baker Street. Her eyes have stop gleaming the way they used to when we first met.

Tonight, I finally realise that I haven't got the chance to grieve when she left.

I felt the need to express some kind of farewell to that special person here in my thought, in this special place.

The final closure.

It ends just like the way it began. With the very same beautiful song.

It sounds just as mesmerising as the first time I heard it.

Goodbye my sunshine.

27 November 2010

As if you have a choice

I have been a thinking a lot lately.
Including closing this blog for good.
It has a fine and fair share of my life these past 2 years.

What it needs now is a closure.

I bet everyone needs that.

23 November 2010

In the end

The past is there for a reason.
Don't look back at it in anger.
Treasure the past as it has made you the person you are today.

As everything happens for a reason.
Experience is what you get, if you did not get what you want.

Remember, God has better things for you.
Always have faith in Him.

My eyes are wide open.
My lips are partly open.
As I inhaled deeply.

I feel peace with myself.
It is the best feeling in this whole wide world.

I am no longer worry about the future.

20 November 2010

The sum of your life

I've been thinking. Tomorrow it will be twenty-eight years to the day that I've been in the service, twenty-eight years in peace and war. I don't suppose I've been at home more than ten months in all that time. Still, it's been a good life. I loved India. I wouldn't have had it any other way. But there are times when suddenly you realize you're nearer the end than the beginning...

... And you wonder, you ask yourself, what the sum total of your life represents. What difference your being there at any time made to anything.

I don't know whether that kind of thinking's very healthy, but I must admit I've had some thoughts on those lines from time to time.

-- Col. Nicholson
The Bridge on the River Kwai


That classic movie scene has made me thinking...

Have my existence in this world bring any positive difference to the lives of people around me?

Have I been a good man?

15 November 2010

I'm in love (again)

I love Monday morning.

The smell of freshly brewed black coffee at the nurses counter.

The yelling and shouting of few delirious elderly patients with pneumonia.

The sight of new drug overdosed young patients with charcoal-stained ryles tube stucked up their nose and hanged near the greater curvature of their stomach.

The chaotic scene of running housemen taking up blood and filling in radiology forms.

The nebulous yet sweet scent of ulcerating diabetic foot ulcers from bed 1 to the unmistakable malaenic odour in the last bed at the end of the ward.

How can one not love Monday!

05 November 2010

3am... somewhere in KL


What aa... what's dat?



BEEP! BEEP! That sound again....
whadda .. where am I .... oh it's the damn pager

I stared at the screen ... #3652

Reaching in the dark I almost knocked the phone over. Bugger.

"Yaa, who's thiiiss..? " My half asleep voice was hoar
se due to a gallon of Malibu dream earlier.

"Hey u gotta come to ER stat! I got a guy here who drowned himself by drinking too much water, and i can't intubate him " a desperate female voice echoed on the other line.

I recognized the voice, it belongs to Linda, one of my close buddy in the emergency room whom I got a short fling with many years ago. Sounds like she got herself in a shitty position, and unless u're in an ER's toilet, that's never a good thing.

"Gimme 2 sec, I'll be there, remember whatever u do make sure u can ventilate him" I reminded her what she already knew.

A 300m dashed to the ER at 3am is never recognised as an extreme sport, but 2 shakes of a lamb's tail later I arrived at the crime scene and only to find it as bloody as hell.

"The tube just won't go in" Linda's voice shaken, I sensed the agony and frustration reflected in her light brown eyes.

BP 75/40....Pulse rate 30/min ! - someone yelled in the background.

"Start chest compression. 1 mg adrenaline & 1 mg atropine IV bolus" my voice widely awaken now while positioning myself near the patient's head relieving Linda.

I snapped the laryngoscope's blade open and shoved it down into the man's throat, hunting for his vocal cord - but the view was obscured by his own frothy tracheal secretion.

"Suctionnn pleasse"

PSSRRRRFTTTTTTT !!! The yonker suction made a screaming noise while suctioning a 1/4 litre of secretion resulting in a clear view of Mr Vocal cord.

Thank God it's a Cormack Lehane I and with a bit of magic from cricoid pressure that Linda gave.. steady steady... my right hand maneuvered the ETT tube and gently tuck it home beyond the cord.

"He's in V. tachy... no pulse" She yellled.

I grabbed the defib paddle, charged it to 200 Joule... "CHARGEED! CLEAR !"

*ZAPPPPP!!!* -- no response --

CPR continued with multiple boluses of adrenaline.

"He's in V. Fib".

-- no response --

"Agaiin!" No movement.


It's been over an hour since we started work on him. His pupils were fixed and dilated, no spontaneous breathing, BP was unrecordable.


We decided to call it.

"Time of death 0414"

Linda broke the bad news to the family.
Silent. Followed by anguished cries from his loved ones.

Apparently, this 30y old guy overdosed himself with illegal drugs 3 weeks ago resulted in liver and kidney failure. He was treated for 2 weeks and was discharged well a couple of days ago.

However, despite advice from his doc he overloaded himself with water up to a point where his recuperating kidneys can't take it anymore and he went into acute pulmonary oedema (wet lungs) as if he had jumped into a river and drowned himself. For some reasons, he was determined to end his life.

Appparently, the first attempt was not a cry for help after all.

I went back to my on call room to sleep off any residual morning I had left.

Moments passed.


03 November 2010


I have always believe that prioritizing my personal life over career would be the most logical step in pursuing the absolute happiness.

After all what is the point of having a successful career without a companion,

the love of your life whom could also be your best friend & yeah you name it...

the whole enchilada.

It has always been about the pursuit of winning the girl of my dream.

Reality finally hits home... hard.

Think I gonna give my career another second shot.

After all it is the only thing I have left in this world.

01 November 2010

Destination anywhere

As I laid on my back staring at the beach.

One thing came to my mind.

It has been a