28 December 2009
16 December 2009
Whatever happened in the past, I believe everything happens for a reason.
So few fundamentals need to be covered before we walk into 2010. Although hope can be cruel at times, I believe that we should never give up on our hope.
Never give up on those who in need of our service, although all that is left are miracles. For every disease has its cure, and human knowledge are the rate-limiting factor. But there is no real bound to what human spirit can achieve. In the face of our greatest adversary that can only we acknowledge our weaknesses and overcome them.
If you ask me what do I know about love. Well, I know for certain now that you can't create or fake it. Although recently I was wounded by its departure, but that is mostly due to my own naivety, and perhaps somewhat self-inflicted. I'm sure she's out there somewhere. I just haven't found her yet.
I'm looking forward for 2010. There will be lot of major changes in this life. Although, one thing will never change though, is that I always be a man of certain characters... an idealist and a dreamer.
With all of those in mind, it is time to make our very own miracles.
Good luck folks!
... and good bye.
"It's late at night and I can't sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cuz I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying
Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love"
14 December 2009
12 December 2009
At times, you will feel a certain connection to songs that sort of reflect how you feel at a certain point of your life. As the 2009 curtain nearly closing upon us. These are the few phrases that feel close to home.
Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
Yes it was my way
I had taken few course of action this year, and followed my instincts. Although the result was not quite as I wanted it to be, but it gave satisfaction knowing that I had given it my best shot. So I won't regret it many years down the line by asking myself "What if I have done it?"
Uncle Newton was right on the spot with his 3rd law, that to every single action there is an equal amount of energy but in the opposite direction.
Good. Now I've got to at least admit it, that the ending of 2009 is ain't that super. However, on the plus side, I've learned some useful stuff on how to deal with my own issues and others especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I am a much wiser man I hope.
The world is round, and it can only be fair that all things would get their own share of joy and pain. But it is time to put some everlasting smile on that face.
I double dare you 2010, bring it on!!
08 December 2009
05 December 2009
It has been a truly revealing sub-plot for yours truly these last few days. Whereby, I realised for the first time where my "character" now stands in this soap opera-like real life drama, similar to those once shown at 2am on TV2.
The question is what could possibly happen to your character when it has been downgraded from a main role into a supportive role. Could they kill off off your character like Dr Drake Ramoray? Wait, I think we all what's the answer to that question.
In the end, well people's priority change as they seem fit. So this is not a blaming game. And who am I to argue with people's wish.
Run my mind tells me, save your feelings. Fragility doesn't pay, and it definitely won't save your arse one day when you fall. Everyone has a little bit of self preservation ego, I think I've suppressed mine long enough. Well some actors would quit the show. Better quit then be killed right?
Although the damage has been done, I just have to come up with some kind of backup plan.
Like the old man in Ward 2 once told me "Don't worry young man, you just improvise and get on with your life."
30 November 2009
There are so many things in this life that we take for granted, may it be our health, our secured financial status, well not to say that we're rich. Enough to say that we would not go hungry at night or have to starve ourselves because we can't afford to have food on our plates.
Ah yes! Of course the more money we have the better, which to some of us that would be a never ending quest. What is more important in the future is to have more time for myself.
So at this current state of life and as far as happiness is concern. I think I'm pretty much a happy guy now.
Although I'm yet to settle down with a girl and have my a family of my own. At least I have a decent job which I enjoy doing day in & out. Parents for which I'm sure loves me (Gee I do hope so). Good friends that I can share stuff with and to rely on during good times and at time of needs.
It would be a great tragedy in life if one looks back at one's journey and weep like a wounded soul. I have a good feeling that 30 years down the line, I could look back at all this and have a good laugh at myself and yes again that's good enough for me.
Yes, you always have choices in this life.
I choose to be happy with what I have now.
20 November 2009
Falling sick again.
The last 2 days were nothing but a roller-coaster of moderate grade fever, and I can't seem to shake off the febrile mode. Surviving with 6 hourly PCM. Hopefully it's nothing. Coz i can't afford to fall ill or worse admitted again.
Deep inside i fear it may in fact be dengue, especially with its rising incidence in KL in the past 2 weeks. That plus the fact that these eyeballs felt 'pressured' whenever I closed them, with the occasional arthralgia. Devoid of flu-like symptoms makes me pretty much sure about this self-diagnosis. Even worse I'm gonna be oncall tomorrow in the emergency dept.
I wish the fever would leave me alone. Otherwise I would be treating a legion of ill people while my own platelet is plunging by the hour.
Damn I hate those freaking mosquitoes.
11 November 2009
06 November 2009
I can live with a broken heart, but not with broken trust.
Call this a sentimental crap. Call it whatever you want.
But when you look into my eyes, I expect nothing but the fucking truth.
"Have you ever dance with the devil under the pale moonlight?"
Yes.. I'm a benign yet sadistic being in many ways you can't imagine.
02 November 2009
I saw a public health poster reminding us to bring our mom to health service. Which reminds me that all the things in our life may not come true without her existence. That may include our very own presence in this world.
24 October 2009
21 October 2009
Do you know that major risk factors for myocardial infarction are:
The good news is most of these attacks would kill you instantenously, so it would be a quick agonising death. So it can be anywhere from your bathroom to the boardroom or while you're having sex (oh yes grandpa, yup yup). If you lucky enough you might make it to an ER. Once you are stabilised, you may get an angiogram basically we poke your artery and push a wire into the opening of your coronary vessels and inject a contrast to find blocked vessels.
Hurm but only IF you survive the first attack. So first you gotta teach your spouse, children, girl/boyfriend a CPR.. to you know increase your survival odd if let say you collapsed with a cardiac arrest.
Ah well enjoy the show.. penat lah tulis banyak2.
16 October 2009
Yes perhaps some people would stay in the dream pretending that nothing happen, while others would opt for the quickest exit route.
In the end it has been a very enlighting path for yours truly. It makes me realise that there are people out there each with their own unique character and personal agenda.
In the word of Jack Ryan to the old man in the White house...
10 October 2009
01 October 2009
Too quiet that I could hear my own breathing
Counting down my own pulses and they are pulsating at 100 beats per minute.
The palpitation of my own heart is so strong now that I feel a bit giddy as I stand up looking for the light switch in the bathroom.
I catch my own reflection on the mirror and a stranger is standing there staring at me looking rather intense. For a while it is as if we're having a staring contest. He looks rather shaky to me and I bet I could take him down with a low hook swing across his right ribs.
However this morning I think I'm gonna leave him alone.
I'm not going to give him the fight he can't possibly win.
22 September 2009
18 September 2009
4. The early morning long-distance wake-up call that woke me up for sahur. Boy I'm gonna miss that one.
5. The after office-hour chess games that we indulged in while waiting for traffic to ease down before we hit the road. Last score, that guy beat me 8 to 6.
14 September 2009
Yvonne Foong, 22, has neurofibromatosis type II, which has severely affected her sight and hearing due to tumours in the brain and spine. She is scheduled for an operation between 1 and 4 December 2009.
11 September 2009
05 September 2009
Now there are kids to take care of, disgruntled spouse who hasn't got laid for few days. Bills to pay, pets to be fed and anything in between. They could easily be spotted like a walking zombie with a facial expression of a patient with toxoplasmosis. On a personal note, I remember walking to the exam theatre for my Part 1 wearing my t-shirt inside out, but that is another story.
Whatever it is guys, don't forget to bring your 2B pencils, an eraser... and yeah zip-up your pants too will ya.
the song is a parody of Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire'
31 August 2009
Relationship is something that you can't develop with anyone you like. It is a gift that sometimes comes from the most unusual source. And when it happens you would have to nurture it, and it takes more than just a person. It takes two to make it works into something meaningful.
It is quite a bizarre experience to be able to connect to a stranger within a short space of time. The thing that bond this two people together can be in forms of shared joyful event or a painful episodes in their yesteryear.
This connection can also be developed into something more wonderful. However as life would has it, not all things are meant to be the way we sometime want them to be. Maybe if we found that person years earlier - it may have work fine and dandy But fate has it that person met someone else first, and we're just a little bit too late. Which somehow creates a sticky situation.
With that in mind I wanna share with you one of my favourite film scene.
Like Frank in this clip, given that he's not blind and he met Donna years earlier than Michael, perhaps they can be more than just a dance-partner (Sorry Charlie, you're still a baby). Because I can sense the chemistry in them. How they trust each other in creating their moves, the way their body react to each other. But circumstances has it that their magical moments last only in that short evening.
On the other hand, I would like to believe that we could extrapolate this metaphor beyond the dance floor, to dance to this life like how we tango.
"...If you made a mistake, you got all tangled up you just tangle on!"
Let's toast to life.
29 August 2009
3am: Having fun at the carnival again. A little girl dressed up in a fairy costumes gave me her lollypop. Somehow I manage to punch a clown who won't reveal his dog-balloon trick to me.
5.15am: ZZZ *^$%& ... Huh what was that?! Crap (hit the snooze button).
23 August 2009
W = for wife
I = isteri
A = abang/adik/ayah
Moments passed, before it hit me "Joe, try under S"
15 August 2009
We worked on him for 45 minutes, however unable to revive him. I called the time of death and broke the bad news to his family. They broke down in tears.
I made another 200m dashed to the unit and found that the patient was already ventilated to a machine. The cardiac monitor showed a Ventricular Tachycardia, the blood pressure was dropping faster than my idle brain activity could cope with at that time. I ran fingers along his neck and found a pulse.
BING! BING! Suddenly I felt like someone just sent me an online medical article to my woozy mind, which I hope not from our friendly wikipedia. It became clear then.
"Stand back. Clear."
.. and perhaps nice warm thoughts too.
11 August 2009
I suppose nothing in this life is for certain, right? Make use of our existence in a good way. Do not cause harm to others. For all we know is that all despair needs is for good men to do nothing. And I have this sneaky feeling that there is only few good men left in this world.
Good night Lolly.
08 August 2009
03 August 2009
31 July 2009
As per yesterday..
47 new cases. All local transmissions.
4 deaths - the latest being a 20 year old woman. She died at her prime.
On the other hand, it's my turn to be in charge of the H1N1 cases in this hospital.
This morning, one of my colleague who's handling H1N1 with me was rushed to the emergency department for cough and shortness of breath.
The enemy is a lot closer than I think before.
Right now I'm staring at them everyday. If anything gonna happen it's gonna be a bloody murder in first degree. It's going to be a point blank shot.
Come to think of it, I can't shake off this headache and mild fever since this morning.
27 July 2009
"And we get to choose who we're going to let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect. And let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn't either. The question is, whether or not you're perfect for each other. You can know everything in the world, but the only way you're findin' that one out is by giving it a shot" - GWH
"Baby, now we are going to check whether you are snoring or you are not, this is the proof. Let's go, follow me" - The angel I met on Baker Street.
Yasmin. Thank you.
25 July 2009
Yasmin Ahmad is admitted for an intracerebral haemorrhage. A not so friendly term for the brain I'm afraid. The bleeding inside the brain could easily displaced the brain tissue creating an oedema (swelling) which could give rise to increasing pressure within the rigid skull. A surgery usually neeed to be done to release some of that pressure. I'm sure the attending doctors are doing cerebral protection aka 'resting her brain from further insult' by keeping her on the ventilator.
I do not know her personally however as far as her work in concern, she's a talented film maker. Some of her stuff are purely classic, educating and catchy in many ways, especially the short ads for TV. A Malaysian story-teller. This is my favourite, when after watching it made me wanna pick up that phone and called my parents.
Yasmin, you get well my friend.
22 July 2009
As for now I think the only thing I could do on my part now is to become a better me.
A better man.
21 July 2009
I believe that a relationship needs to be nurtured so it could blossom into something meaningful, like everything good in life, it takes time to grow. Alas! Unfortunately it can be ruined by one single night (or two if you like).
You need to respect and trust that person. Fuck everything else, even love is allowed to come later. Those are the basis of a strong partnership. When those are cemented, nothing could shake it not even the the devil or the deep blue sea.
If you cannot trust the one you care, then forget everything else. And when you eventually do stop caring, then the relationship is in deep shit, and when shit hits the fan, even the McD Mozarella dippers gonna be in your top list rather than that person.
Am I preaching..? I hope not. Because I'm not qualified enough to give an intellectual insight on that matter of importance between the two gender. Perhaps I need 4 - 6 breakups before I could write a thesis on "Love and lies: Revisited".
But what I do know, early this morning I found this clip, which I could relate to. But that was before a phone call came through and make me think that after all that had happened, something good may still be possible. Only if you could nurture back the trust and respect.
Oh crap! When I feel much better. I'm gonna take down the clip. That is just my pain doing a puppy face impression.
20 July 2009
This morning, I found myself ironing a lot longer that I had to.
17 July 2009
However, these last 4 weeks taught me that it is easier to utter those words than walking in it.
For the old saying that there is no certainty in life except for death and taxes. I've learned those words like hundred of years ago. But I somehow managed to appreciate the true meaning of it lately. The feeling can be unbearable sometime that I wish I could have a heart made of adamantium. Poor mortal soul like me would never learn his lesson until I got shot in the spleen with thousand of poisonous darts made by Mr Umpa Lumpa from the lost tribe of Inca civilisation.
As much as I wanted to 'turn on my self-defence mode' few days ago, and be that cool man with a half burnt ciggie in my right hand, and proudly announced to my internal organs that the name of the game has changed.
Or has it changed?
She had just left me a couple of hours ago, crossing thousand of miles back to her city. If it is true that the name of the game has changed, how come part of me is now longing for her scent and presence.
I think I can see her now sitting in my balcony looking away.
13 July 2009
11 July 2009
01 July 2009
What is the chance of meeting, falling for and 'go crazy' toward someone who feels the same way towards you? I'm not here to give the answer. Some questions are best left unanswered. Ignorance is sometime a bliss.
18 June 2009
12 June 2009
If you are lucky you could end up in a big tertiary hospital where you could do curbside consult on the way to cafeteria by asking your say... buddy cardiologist about some puzzling 'heart' case that came in last night.
Interesting cases mostly come in through clinic, where patients come in for follow up. The rarer the case is the more doctors will gather to observe and learn.
The trick however is not to stare, coz it is rude
09 June 2009
07 June 2009
..."Actually my friend's is pregnant and this is for her.. err she's craving for chocolate. Bye!"
31 May 2009
As I'm sitting in the dark living room. I ponder on what had happened in my life. She's everything in my life. My best friend, loved one. My pure source of joy in this world. And it causes me a great sense of agony to know that the last thing that I've made her to feel is pain. And the last feeling that she has for me is hatred. Help me God. Help me take this pain away.
There's not much I could do about the past. I can't help thinking about the future though. What kind of life would I have. Thirty years from now... would I be another old man with a bitter soul dreaming about the one that got away. The one that got away? Have I ever truly had her in the first place. I don't know. But what I do know is perhaps... if I have treated her as good as I should have things might have ended differently. For I know, one thing will forever stays true, that she will always be on my mind.
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I have blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I keep you satisfied
Little things I should have
Said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
I never thought that I could ever be so madly be in love with someone.
This morning the sun disappears.
No light, no joy in the skies.
And i found my self fall again, harder than before.
And as i typed these words down.....
....numbness engulfed me....as i broke into tears.. i guess i forgot how fast these boys can flow.
28 May 2009
23 May 2009
I tried to take a mental picture of her in that moment. Worrying that I might forget the whole detail, I quickly grab my trusty camera and took a snap.
"What? This street?" She took a sip of her hot mochaccino. There's a big black stain on the top of her white dress.
For a moment, I thought I could see her eyes gleaming beyond those dark sunnies.
Many weeks later I found out that such canal exist.
Still, I don't feel like I miss one single darn thing. Because all that matters to me is that she was there with me.
I sometime do ask myself one thing though "Does that street in Jericho still exist? or does it simply cease to exist because we are not there anymore?"
20 May 2009
Upon sunset, the rest of his family member would return home. However not wanting to be apart from the person he loves all his life. I supposed it is logical for him to stay close to his wife. Preparing himself emotionally for the inevitability. The fact that he is not allowed to stay 'over the night' inside the female ward, does not deter his feeling. He finally found comfort on the floor.
What a similarity... Just like that floor, life could be both hard and cold sometimes.
17 May 2009
Once, she asked me how do we know whether we are in love with that particular person. I answered, it's how that person make us feel about our existence and place in this world. With that she gave me the most beautiful smile that I cannot possibly forget for the rest of my life.
Finally, I locked the car, went back into my apartment and drew down the curtains in my bedroom.
Not long afterward I found myself walking along a remote beach. Unable to feel the heartache deep inside my soul.
08 May 2009
01 May 2009
abnormal black tarry stool that has a distinctive odor and contains digested blood. It usually results from bleeding in the stomach.
"Nurse, could I have FBC, RP, coags and an ECG ASAP please"