31 May 2009


As I'm sitting in the dark living room. I ponder on what had happened in my life. She's everything in my life. My best friend, loved one. My pure source of joy in this world. And it causes me a great sense of agony to know that the last thing that I've made her to feel is pain. And the last feeling that she has for me is hatred. Help me God. Help me take this pain away.

There's not much I could do about the past. I can't help thinking about the future though. What kind of life would I have. Thirty years from now... would I be another old man with a bitter soul dreaming about the one that got away. The one that got away? Have I ever truly had her in the first place. I don't know. But what I do know is perhaps... if I have treated her as good as I should have things might have ended differently. For I know, one thing will forever stays true, that she will always be on my mind.

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I have blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I keep you satisfied

Little things I should have
Said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind


I never thought that someone could ever touched my heart the way she does.

I never thought that I could ever be so madly be in love with someone.

This morning the sun disappears.

No light, no joy in the skies.

And i found my self fall again, harder than before.

And as i typed these words down.....

....numbness engulfed me....as i broke into tears.. i guess i forgot how fast these boys can flow.

28 May 2009


at 3o's sthing of my life, I found another way of disappointing others and myself.

can't even look at the mirror in front of me.

I'm sorry

Have I taken the beautiful things in my life for granted?

To begin with, beautiful things does not always happen to a punk like me. So my attitude has been in a constant sense of gratitude whenever something nice happen. I would treasure it.

But human do make mistakes. And I had done something really bad, a mistake that beyond any reasonable doubt could cost me the one I love.

I have hurt the one I treasure most. As the sun breaks the sky early this morning I felt as though as a little fairy sat on my shoulder and said "You gotta stop doing these things, and pull your acts together or you gonna end up losing her, do not make promises that you cannot deliver".

So on my way to the hospital later in the morning, I tried putting myself in her shoes. Trying to feel what it must have felt like to be on the receiving end. What I felt was something distant yet familiar. Something that I haven't felt for a long time since last year.

"Boy, Tinkerbell.. you are right after all, for I am nothing but an ungrateful fool".

23 May 2009

An empty street in Jericho

"Dear, I don't think there is a canal up front, looks like a dead end" She looked both confident and mesmerising at the same time.

"Hmm yes hun, you could be right, maybe the bartender gave us the wrong direction..

...but I like it here, come to think of it this is much better than some canal...

... I would probably remember this better than any other places we had been to" I looked back at her. She was standing there underneath the Oxford sun with a late-spring breeze gently kissing her long hair.

I tried to take a mental picture of her in that moment. Worrying that I might forget the whole detail, I quickly grab my trusty camera and took a snap.

"What? This street?" She took a sip of her hot mochaccino. There's a big black stain on the top of her white dress.

"Yes dear... you, me and an empty street in Jericho." I grinned.

For a moment, I thought I could see her eyes gleaming beyond those dark sunnies.


Many weeks later I found out that such canal exist.

Still, I don't feel like I miss one single darn thing. Because all that matters to me is that she was there with me.

I sometime do ask myself one thing though "Does that street in Jericho still exist? or does it simply cease to exist because we are not there anymore?"

20 May 2009


The 50's year-old man has been sleeping along the corridor for many nights now. His wife has been ill for many weeks at home and by the time they seek medical advice the diagnosis which came back as lymphoma, has spread badly.

Upon sunset, the rest of his family member would return home. However not wanting to be apart from the person he loves all his life. I supposed it is logical for him to stay close to his wife. Preparing himself emotionally for the inevitability. The fact that he is not allowed to stay 'over the night' inside the female ward, does not deter his feeling. He finally found comfort on the floor.

What a similarity... Just like that floor, life could be both hard and cold sometimes.

17 May 2009


Today I found myself behind the steering wheel. Unable to decide my destination. The sun was scorching hot burning the plants in the courtyard. That however did not seem to bother a couple of teenagers from playing basketball.

Once, she asked me how do we know whether we are in love with that particular person. I answered, it's how that person make us feel about our existence and place in this world. With that she gave me the most beautiful smile that I cannot possibly forget for the rest of my life.

Finally, I locked the car, went back into my apartment and drew down the curtains in my bedroom.

Not long afterward I found myself walking along a remote beach. Unable to feel the heartache deep inside my soul.

08 May 2009

H1N1 outbreak in KL

"No! I need to speak to the Minister of Health himself, you don't understand the situation - within 24 hours - we're expecting half of Klang Valley's folks gonna be infected" I'm getting inpatient with the Putra Jaya officials.

We are losing precious time.

Behind me Prof Sarah, the hospital director looked composed as ever while having discussion with her microbiologist. She looked at me and give the sad nod.

"The H1N1 influenza A virus has mutated rapidly within the last 2 hours... " Dr Lee spoke softly, he looked disappointed with the latest grim development.

"...we got our first case of H1NI positive in our Malaysian soil. The worse news is this is nothing comparing what had hit Mexico and the States."

The brilliant microbiologist who won the 1990 Lutzfe prize for the discovery of West-Jurong virus looked like a forgotten 50 year-old Jazz guitarist from Seattle. He can't seem to hide his distressed face.

"First we need to get through to the Prime Minister office, then we gotta tell 8 million people in Klang Valley that we need to quarantine them in their home... who knows we might be looking at the army taking over the streets...." he paused.

".. I need to call my wife, excuse me" Dr Lee rushed to the next room.

The voice on the other line finally said "Okay the Health minister is ready to speak to you. But first we need you to pass the security clearance. What is the password?"

"Huh.. Is this really necessary? Okay...okay the password is Grumpy but gorgeous". I answered confidently.

"Password is correct. Thank you sir. Please hold the line"


Disclaimer: Fictional work. Which what usually happened when one is bored and wish he could celebrate the anniversary with his better half.

01 May 2009


Melaena [məlē′nə, məl′əna]

Etymology: Gk, melas, black
abnormal black tarry stool that has a distinctive odor and contains digested blood. It usually results from bleeding in the stomach.

(From Mosby's medical dictionary)

It was late at night, when the alarm in room 4 went off. I quickly made my way to the room and assess the unlucky chap. A 40 year old admitted yesterday for acute heart attack causing heart failure. He was promptly thrombolysed, intubated and put on aspirin.
Nothing wrong with the treatment - what should have been done, had been done.
However his blood pressure was on the low side.
Could it be he's in cardiogenic shock? Septic shock?
Damn it. Think. Think. You better hurry up boy!

"Nurse, could I have FBC, RP, coags and an ECG ASAP please"

Then I smelled it.

That unmistakable very foul odour. The one and only... 'Melaenic stool smell'.
Oh no! He might have an internal bleeding.

I quickly yanked away the blanket, and as I was about to examine his bottom. One of the nurse whispered to me.

"Doc, Err that smell...
... that was me".
(Uncomfortable silent)